my blog
just some stuff from my head, idk
9/21/24
Wow, it's really been almost a year since I've blogged last, that's my bad. I'm still alive! I'm listening to the Symphony of Evangelion rendition of I, Shinji as I write this. Far superior to the original theme, imo. A lot has happened, I guess. Well, I'm 19, in my second year of community college. I got a job at Forever 21 but the store shut down in March. Been job hunting since, unsuccessful. My school schedule kind of blows too but I'm at school Mon-Thurs instead of just Monday and Wednesday. I have a stable-ish? group of friends and also a guy I hang out with one-on-one on occassion, both are cool! I broke up with my boyfriend finally and offically in late July. Usually I feel so much guilt cutting people out! But it's crazy, I've felt so much more free. It's like a ginourmous weight was lifted off my shoulders. I guess that's what happens when he attempts to morph me into being a cisgender woman for a little over a year and texts my best friend saying he's gonna wait around for me to change on my own, that my identity is solely because I've been on "the internet too much," and that he doesn't have much faith in me because "my brain isn't fully developed" and expects my best friend not to tell me! XD But I won't get into too much "woe is me" on my public blog anymore. Since then the dating pool has been stale. I had some guy ask me for my number and I was bored and desperate so I gave it to him, he led me to a secluded table at school, was the most boring person I've EVER talked to and made 3 perverted comments about my ass. XP I'm not usually very mean to people and I guess I commend his bravery but what happened to common interests and getting to know people?? Urrgh... Anyway, my borderline personality disorder has made me cling onto one person and I feel like such a creep because idk them that well... I guess that's what having a crush is all about but it honestly stresses me out more than anything. Idk how to tell them that I wanna get to know them better without it being really awkward... you know? And I can't get a read on how they feel about ME and it freaks me out. Again, idk them well and I doubt they even give me a second thought when I think about them alot... whenever we DO text theyre super sweet and thoughtful!!! Maybe I'll just play it out and see how it goes. When I was away I got super into the game Cry of Fear and cosplayed Simon Henriksson for a local convention! I went to my first rave with my friends and it was great, but we didn't stay very long because my friend was in a fursuit head and was getting hot and some guy was weird to them >_< Anyway idk what else to put here I'll write more tomorrow... hopefully.
10/16/23
I lacked for four days my bad. Absolutely nothing has happened over the four days though other than just mundane stuff but it's alright. On Saturday I helped my grandma with some yardwork. She has a porch outside with a bunch of plants, so I just trimmed them, watered them, did some paving outside of the screened-in area and then we washed the whole thing down. It was repetitive and monotonous but it was okay, I like helping my grandma and it's not like I had anything better to do lol. It's my grandma on my mom's side. A lot happened with my dad's side grandma and I haven't heard from her in a while but you know whatever. On Sunday my dad took me driving and it was really scary. My dad was in the army, he was stationed in South Korea for the majority of it and always tells me stories. But because of that he has access to the military base near where we live and he took me out there because it's generally a lot less busy than normal roads and it has a lot of open parking lots where we can just do doughnuts. My dad got really mad at me and it was really stressful but overall i'm glad I did it because I'll have to learn sometime XD Tomorrow is my mom's birthday! I'm not sure what we're doing but I'm excited to celebrate it with her. I'll try to remember to do more frequent blogs, sorry XDDDD
10/12/23
I didn't really do anything today. I did some homework and researched how to do stuff for the website you're looking at now! Not much has changed but I'm trying to learn as best as I can. I made some rash decisions last night. But decisions I'm pretty sure are for the better. I feel like BoJack Horseman, which is never a sentence that should be said. XD but I always think about that scene where he goes up to Diane and begs her to tell him that he's a good person, and she can't do it. I need to finish BJHM soon. I love characters like BoJack who are kind of anti-protagonists. Like, in most medias the protag has all of this plot armor and doesn't have any flaws or anything, and shows like BJHM take the time to highlight his flaws and make him feel like a real and rather tragic individual, not that that excuses anything he's done. Anyway I feel like I've hurt a lot of people from my rash decision making. I need to stop being so impulsive. But I guess what's done is done and I can't really do anything about it. I've hurt so many people and I'm going to start going to therapy again. I want to be good. I don't want to hurt anymore. I want people to like me. I know this is very different from my last blog lol. But I think today I was so in my head because I didn't have anything else to think about. I watched my dog I worked on my website and homework and I just stayed at home and I thought. This is why I'm so desperate for a job, keep my mind occupied and get out of this slump. I don't know what my next course of action is and I feel like I'll never know. Life is really scary and my life hasn't even properly begun yet. I've made so many people dislike me and all I can do is try to get better for people I love. Sometimes I wonder if I'm unfixable. And then I feel bad for feeling that because nothing really horrible has happened to me to make me that way. I don't know what to do other than apologize to people and just go away because that makes everything better. There's always better people than me apparently. That's very true. Sorry this was so yeah. If you're reading this blog, thank you and I hope you stop by again :D I promise not everything will be like this, lol.
10/11/23
this is my first blog on here. hi guys :D today i had an interview for a hostess at olive garden. i really hope i get it, the hiring manager will be there on friday so i might get reached out to then, i dont know. i really really hope, because i've been romanticizing it a lot lol even though its such a mundane job. i like it a lot especially since the guy interviewing me told me they have a program on their ipads that help with rotation which would make the job even easier lol. i'm mostly working for experience, money is nice but i still live with my parents, my mom has assured me i don't really need money but i'm so paranoid because i'm 18 and i've never held a job before. i know thats pretty normal, but i feel so guilty not working because i go to school 4 hours for two days and don't do anything else. and we don't make that much money so i wanna help yanno. anyway i've had a lot of things going on in my personal life, very confusing but i'm on call with someone that has been having a rough patch with me right now and it's nice to talk to him again. really nice
9/21/24
Wow, it's really been almost a year since I've blogged last, that's my bad. I'm still alive! I'm listening to the Symphony of Evangelion rendition of I, Shinji as I write this. Far superior to the original theme, imo. A lot has happened, I guess. Well, I'm 19, in my second year of community college. I got a job at Forever 21 but the store shut down in March. Been job hunting since, unsuccessful. My school schedule kind of blows too but I'm at school Mon-Thurs instead of just Monday and Wednesday. I have a stable-ish? group of friends and also a guy I hang out with one-on-one on occassion, both are cool! I broke up with my boyfriend finally and offically in late July. Usually I feel so much guilt cutting people out! But it's crazy, I've felt so much more free. It's like a ginourmous weight was lifted off my shoulders. I guess that's what happens when he attempts to morph me into being a cisgender woman for a little over a year and texts my best friend saying he's gonna wait around for me to change on my own, that my identity is solely because I've been on "the internet too much," and that he doesn't have much faith in me because "my brain isn't fully developed" and expects my best friend not to tell me! XD But I won't get into too much "woe is me" on my public blog anymore. Since then the dating pool has been stale. I had some guy ask me for my number and I was bored and desperate so I gave it to him, he led me to a secluded table at school, was the most boring person I've EVER talked to and made 3 perverted comments about my ass. XP I'm not usually very mean to people and I guess I commend his bravery but what happened to common interests and getting to know people?? Urrgh... Anyway, my borderline personality disorder has made me cling onto one person and I feel like such a creep because idk them that well... I guess that's what having a crush is all about but it honestly stresses me out more than anything. Idk how to tell them that I wanna get to know them better without it being really awkward... you know? And I can't get a read on how they feel about ME and it freaks me out. Again, idk them well and I doubt they even give me a second thought when I think about them alot... whenever we DO text theyre super sweet and thoughtful!!! Maybe I'll just play it out and see how it goes. When I was away I got super into the game Cry of Fear and cosplayed Simon Henriksson for a local convention! I went to my first rave with my friends and it was great, but we didn't stay very long because my friend was in a fursuit head and was getting hot and some guy was weird to them >_< Anyway idk what else to put here I'll write more tomorrow... hopefully.
just some stuff from my head, idk
9/21/24
Wow, it's really been almost a year since I've blogged last, that's my bad. I'm still alive! I'm listening to the Symphony of Evangelion rendition of I, Shinji as I write this. Far superior to the original theme, imo. A lot has happened, I guess. Well, I'm 19, in my second year of community college. I got a job at Forever 21 but the store shut down in March. Been job hunting since, unsuccessful. My school schedule kind of blows too but I'm at school Mon-Thurs instead of just Monday and Wednesday. I have a stable-ish? group of friends and also a guy I hang out with one-on-one on occassion, both are cool! I broke up with my boyfriend finally and offically in late July. Usually I feel so much guilt cutting people out! But it's crazy, I've felt so much more free. It's like a ginourmous weight was lifted off my shoulders. I guess that's what happens when he attempts to morph me into being a cisgender woman for a little over a year and texts my best friend saying he's gonna wait around for me to change on my own, that my identity is solely because I've been on "the internet too much," and that he doesn't have much faith in me because "my brain isn't fully developed" and expects my best friend not to tell me! XD But I won't get into too much "woe is me" on my public blog anymore. Since then the dating pool has been stale. I had some guy ask me for my number and I was bored and desperate so I gave it to him, he led me to a secluded table at school, was the most boring person I've EVER talked to and made 3 perverted comments about my ass. XP I'm not usually very mean to people and I guess I commend his bravery but what happened to common interests and getting to know people?? Urrgh... Anyway, my borderline personality disorder has made me cling onto one person and I feel like such a creep because idk them that well... I guess that's what having a crush is all about but it honestly stresses me out more than anything. Idk how to tell them that I wanna get to know them better without it being really awkward... you know? And I can't get a read on how they feel about ME and it freaks me out. Again, idk them well and I doubt they even give me a second thought when I think about them alot... whenever we DO text theyre super sweet and thoughtful!!! Maybe I'll just play it out and see how it goes. When I was away I got super into the game Cry of Fear and cosplayed Simon Henriksson for a local convention! I went to my first rave with my friends and it was great, but we didn't stay very long because my friend was in a fursuit head and was getting hot and some guy was weird to them >_< Anyway idk what else to put here I'll write more tomorrow... hopefully.
10/16/23
I lacked for four days my bad. Absolutely nothing has happened over the four days though other than just mundane stuff but it's alright. On Saturday I helped my grandma with some yardwork. She has a porch outside with a bunch of plants, so I just trimmed them, watered them, did some paving outside of the screened-in area and then we washed the whole thing down. It was repetitive and monotonous but it was okay, I like helping my grandma and it's not like I had anything better to do lol. It's my grandma on my mom's side. A lot happened with my dad's side grandma and I haven't heard from her in a while but you know whatever. On Sunday my dad took me driving and it was really scary. My dad was in the army, he was stationed in South Korea for the majority of it and always tells me stories. But because of that he has access to the military base near where we live and he took me out there because it's generally a lot less busy than normal roads and it has a lot of open parking lots where we can just do doughnuts. My dad got really mad at me and it was really stressful but overall i'm glad I did it because I'll have to learn sometime XD Tomorrow is my mom's birthday! I'm not sure what we're doing but I'm excited to celebrate it with her. I'll try to remember to do more frequent blogs, sorry XDDDD
10/12/23
I didn't really do anything today. I did some homework and researched how to do stuff for the website you're looking at now! Not much has changed but I'm trying to learn as best as I can. I made some rash decisions last night. But decisions I'm pretty sure are for the better. I feel like BoJack Horseman, which is never a sentence that should be said. XD but I always think about that scene where he goes up to Diane and begs her to tell him that he's a good person, and she can't do it. I need to finish BJHM soon. I love characters like BoJack who are kind of anti-protagonists. Like, in most medias the protag has all of this plot armor and doesn't have any flaws or anything, and shows like BJHM take the time to highlight his flaws and make him feel like a real and rather tragic individual, not that that excuses anything he's done. Anyway I feel like I've hurt a lot of people from my rash decision making. I need to stop being so impulsive. But I guess what's done is done and I can't really do anything about it. I've hurt so many people and I'm going to start going to therapy again. I want to be good. I don't want to hurt anymore. I want people to like me. I know this is very different from my last blog lol. But I think today I was so in my head because I didn't have anything else to think about. I watched my dog I worked on my website and homework and I just stayed at home and I thought. This is why I'm so desperate for a job, keep my mind occupied and get out of this slump. I don't know what my next course of action is and I feel like I'll never know. Life is really scary and my life hasn't even properly begun yet. I've made so many people dislike me and all I can do is try to get better for people I love. Sometimes I wonder if I'm unfixable. And then I feel bad for feeling that because nothing really horrible has happened to me to make me that way. I don't know what to do other than apologize to people and just go away because that makes everything better. There's always better people than me apparently. That's very true. Sorry this was so yeah. If you're reading this blog, thank you and I hope you stop by again :D I promise not everything will be like this, lol.
10/11/23
this is my first blog on here. hi guys :D today i had an interview for a hostess at olive garden. i really hope i get it, the hiring manager will be there on friday so i might get reached out to then, i dont know. i really really hope, because i've been romanticizing it a lot lol even though its such a mundane job. i like it a lot especially since the guy interviewing me told me they have a program on their ipads that help with rotation which would make the job even easier lol. i'm mostly working for experience, money is nice but i still live with my parents, my mom has assured me i don't really need money but i'm so paranoid because i'm 18 and i've never held a job before. i know thats pretty normal, but i feel so guilty not working because i go to school 4 hours for two days and don't do anything else. and we don't make that much money so i wanna help yanno. anyway i've had a lot of things going on in my personal life, very confusing but i'm on call with someone that has been having a rough patch with me right now and it's nice to talk to him again. really nice
9/21/24
Wow, it's really been almost a year since I've blogged last, that's my bad. I'm still alive! I'm listening to the Symphony of Evangelion rendition of I, Shinji as I write this. Far superior to the original theme, imo. A lot has happened, I guess. Well, I'm 19, in my second year of community college. I got a job at Forever 21 but the store shut down in March. Been job hunting since, unsuccessful. My school schedule kind of blows too but I'm at school Mon-Thurs instead of just Monday and Wednesday. I have a stable-ish? group of friends and also a guy I hang out with one-on-one on occassion, both are cool! I broke up with my boyfriend finally and offically in late July. Usually I feel so much guilt cutting people out! But it's crazy, I've felt so much more free. It's like a ginourmous weight was lifted off my shoulders. I guess that's what happens when he attempts to morph me into being a cisgender woman for a little over a year and texts my best friend saying he's gonna wait around for me to change on my own, that my identity is solely because I've been on "the internet too much," and that he doesn't have much faith in me because "my brain isn't fully developed" and expects my best friend not to tell me! XD But I won't get into too much "woe is me" on my public blog anymore. Since then the dating pool has been stale. I had some guy ask me for my number and I was bored and desperate so I gave it to him, he led me to a secluded table at school, was the most boring person I've EVER talked to and made 3 perverted comments about my ass. XP I'm not usually very mean to people and I guess I commend his bravery but what happened to common interests and getting to know people?? Urrgh... Anyway, my borderline personality disorder has made me cling onto one person and I feel like such a creep because idk them that well... I guess that's what having a crush is all about but it honestly stresses me out more than anything. Idk how to tell them that I wanna get to know them better without it being really awkward... you know? And I can't get a read on how they feel about ME and it freaks me out. Again, idk them well and I doubt they even give me a second thought when I think about them alot... whenever we DO text theyre super sweet and thoughtful!!! Maybe I'll just play it out and see how it goes. When I was away I got super into the game Cry of Fear and cosplayed Simon Henriksson for a local convention! I went to my first rave with my friends and it was great, but we didn't stay very long because my friend was in a fursuit head and was getting hot and some guy was weird to them >_< Anyway idk what else to put here I'll write more tomorrow... hopefully.
9/21/24
Wow, it's really been almost a year since I've blogged last, that's my bad. I'm still alive! I'm listening to the Symphony of Evangelion rendition of I, Shinji as I write this. Far superior to the original theme, imo. A lot has happened, I guess. Well, I'm 19, in my second year of community college. I got a job at Forever 21 but the store shut down in March. Been job hunting since, unsuccessful. My school schedule kind of blows too but I'm at school Mon-Thurs instead of just Monday and Wednesday. I have a stable-ish? group of friends and also a guy I hang out with one-on-one on occassion, both are cool! I broke up with my boyfriend finally and offically in late July. Usually I feel so much guilt cutting people out! But it's crazy, I've felt so much more free. It's like a ginourmous weight was lifted off my shoulders. I guess that's what happens when he attempts to morph me into being a cisgender woman for a little over a year and texts my best friend saying he's gonna wait around for me to change on my own, that my identity is solely because I've been on "the internet too much," and that he doesn't have much faith in me because "my brain isn't fully developed" and expects my best friend not to tell me! XD But I won't get into too much "woe is me" on my public blog anymore. Since then the dating pool has been stale. I had some guy ask me for my number and I was bored and desperate so I gave it to him, he led me to a secluded table at school, was the most boring person I've EVER talked to and made 3 perverted comments about my ass. XP I'm not usually very mean to people and I guess I commend his bravery but what happened to common interests and getting to know people?? Urrgh... Anyway, my borderline personality disorder has made me cling onto one person and I feel like such a creep because idk them that well... I guess that's what having a crush is all about but it honestly stresses me out more than anything. Idk how to tell them that I wanna get to know them better without it being really awkward... you know? And I can't get a read on how they feel about ME and it freaks me out. Again, idk them well and I doubt they even give me a second thought when I think about them alot... whenever we DO text theyre super sweet and thoughtful!!! Maybe I'll just play it out and see how it goes. When I was away I got super into the game Cry of Fear and cosplayed Simon Henriksson for a local convention! I went to my first rave with my friends and it was great, but we didn't stay very long because my friend was in a fursuit head and was getting hot and some guy was weird to them >_< Anyway idk what else to put here I'll write more tomorrow... hopefully.
10/16/23
I lacked for four days my bad. Absolutely nothing has happened over the four days though other than just mundane stuff but it's alright. On Saturday I helped my grandma with some yardwork. She has a porch outside with a bunch of plants, so I just trimmed them, watered them, did some paving outside of the screened-in area and then we washed the whole thing down. It was repetitive and monotonous but it was okay, I like helping my grandma and it's not like I had anything better to do lol. It's my grandma on my mom's side. A lot happened with my dad's side grandma and I haven't heard from her in a while but you know whatever. On Sunday my dad took me driving and it was really scary. My dad was in the army, he was stationed in South Korea for the majority of it and always tells me stories. But because of that he has access to the military base near where we live and he took me out there because it's generally a lot less busy than normal roads and it has a lot of open parking lots where we can just do doughnuts. My dad got really mad at me and it was really stressful but overall i'm glad I did it because I'll have to learn sometime XD Tomorrow is my mom's birthday! I'm not sure what we're doing but I'm excited to celebrate it with her. I'll try to remember to do more frequent blogs, sorry XDDDD
10/12/23
I didn't really do anything today. I did some homework and researched how to do stuff for the website you're looking at now! Not much has changed but I'm trying to learn as best as I can. I made some rash decisions last night. But decisions I'm pretty sure are for the better. I feel like BoJack Horseman, which is never a sentence that should be said. XD but I always think about that scene where he goes up to Diane and begs her to tell him that he's a good person, and she can't do it. I need to finish BJHM soon. I love characters like BoJack who are kind of anti-protagonists. Like, in most medias the protag has all of this plot armor and doesn't have any flaws or anything, and shows like BJHM take the time to highlight his flaws and make him feel like a real and rather tragic individual, not that that excuses anything he's done. Anyway I feel like I've hurt a lot of people from my rash decision making. I need to stop being so impulsive. But I guess what's done is done and I can't really do anything about it. I've hurt so many people and I'm going to start going to therapy again. I want to be good. I don't want to hurt anymore. I want people to like me. I know this is very different from my last blog lol. But I think today I was so in my head because I didn't have anything else to think about. I watched my dog I worked on my website and homework and I just stayed at home and I thought. This is why I'm so desperate for a job, keep my mind occupied and get out of this slump. I don't know what my next course of action is and I feel like I'll never know. Life is really scary and my life hasn't even properly begun yet. I've made so many people dislike me and all I can do is try to get better for people I love. Sometimes I wonder if I'm unfixable. And then I feel bad for feeling that because nothing really horrible has happened to me to make me that way. I don't know what to do other than apologize to people and just go away because that makes everything better. There's always better people than me apparently. That's very true. Sorry this was so yeah. If you're reading this blog, thank you and I hope you stop by again :D I promise not everything will be like this, lol.
10/11/23
this is my first blog on here. hi guys :D today i had an interview for a hostess at olive garden. i really hope i get it, the hiring manager will be there on friday so i might get reached out to then, i dont know. i really really hope, because i've been romanticizing it a lot lol even though its such a mundane job. i like it a lot especially since the guy interviewing me told me they have a program on their ipads that help with rotation which would make the job even easier lol. i'm mostly working for experience, money is nice but i still live with my parents, my mom has assured me i don't really need money but i'm so paranoid because i'm 18 and i've never held a job before. i know thats pretty normal, but i feel so guilty not working because i go to school 4 hours for two days and don't do anything else. and we don't make that much money so i wanna help yanno. anyway i've had a lot of things going on in my personal life, very confusing but i'm on call with someone that has been having a rough patch with me right now and it's nice to talk to him again. really nice
9/21/24
Wow, it's really been almost a year since I've blogged last, that's my bad. I'm still alive! I'm listening to the Symphony of Evangelion rendition of I, Shinji as I write this. Far superior to the original theme, imo. A lot has happened, I guess. Well, I'm 19, in my second year of community college. I got a job at Forever 21 but the store shut down in March. Been job hunting since, unsuccessful. My school schedule kind of blows too but I'm at school Mon-Thurs instead of just Monday and Wednesday. I have a stable-ish? group of friends and also a guy I hang out with one-on-one on occassion, both are cool! I broke up with my boyfriend finally and offically in late July. Usually I feel so much guilt cutting people out! But it's crazy, I've felt so much more free. It's like a ginourmous weight was lifted off my shoulders. I guess that's what happens when he attempts to morph me into being a cisgender woman for a little over a year and texts my best friend saying he's gonna wait around for me to change on my own, that my identity is solely because I've been on "the internet too much," and that he doesn't have much faith in me because "my brain isn't fully developed" and expects my best friend not to tell me! XD But I won't get into too much "woe is me" on my public blog anymore. Since then the dating pool has been stale. I had some guy ask me for my number and I was bored and desperate so I gave it to him, he led me to a secluded table at school, was the most boring person I've EVER talked to and made 3 perverted comments about my ass. XP I'm not usually very mean to people and I guess I commend his bravery but what happened to common interests and getting to know people?? Urrgh... Anyway, my borderline personality disorder has made me cling onto one person and I feel like such a creep because idk them that well... I guess that's what having a crush is all about but it honestly stresses me out more than anything. Idk how to tell them that I wanna get to know them better without it being really awkward... you know? And I can't get a read on how they feel about ME and it freaks me out. Again, idk them well and I doubt they even give me a second thought when I think about them alot... whenever we DO text theyre super sweet and thoughtful!!! Maybe I'll just play it out and see how it goes. When I was away I got super into the game Cry of Fear and cosplayed Simon Henriksson for a local convention! I went to my first rave with my friends and it was great, but we didn't stay very long because my friend was in a fursuit head and was getting hot and some guy was weird to them >_< Anyway idk what else to put here I'll write more tomorrow... hopefully.
Wow, it's really been almost a year since I've blogged last, that's my bad. I'm still alive! I'm listening to the Symphony of Evangelion rendition of I, Shinji as I write this. Far superior to the original theme, imo. A lot has happened, I guess. Well, I'm 19, in my second year of community college. I got a job at Forever 21 but the store shut down in March. Been job hunting since, unsuccessful. My school schedule kind of blows too but I'm at school Mon-Thurs instead of just Monday and Wednesday. I have a stable-ish? group of friends and also a guy I hang out with one-on-one on occassion, both are cool! I broke up with my boyfriend finally and offically in late July. Usually I feel so much guilt cutting people out! But it's crazy, I've felt so much more free. It's like a ginourmous weight was lifted off my shoulders. I guess that's what happens when he attempts to morph me into being a cisgender woman for a little over a year and texts my best friend saying he's gonna wait around for me to change on my own, that my identity is solely because I've been on "the internet too much," and that he doesn't have much faith in me because "my brain isn't fully developed" and expects my best friend not to tell me! XD But I won't get into too much "woe is me" on my public blog anymore. Since then the dating pool has been stale. I had some guy ask me for my number and I was bored and desperate so I gave it to him, he led me to a secluded table at school, was the most boring person I've EVER talked to and made 3 perverted comments about my ass. XP I'm not usually very mean to people and I guess I commend his bravery but what happened to common interests and getting to know people?? Urrgh... Anyway, my borderline personality disorder has made me cling onto one person and I feel like such a creep because idk them that well... I guess that's what having a crush is all about but it honestly stresses me out more than anything. Idk how to tell them that I wanna get to know them better without it being really awkward... you know? And I can't get a read on how they feel about ME and it freaks me out. Again, idk them well and I doubt they even give me a second thought when I think about them alot... whenever we DO text theyre super sweet and thoughtful!!! Maybe I'll just play it out and see how it goes. When I was away I got super into the game Cry of Fear and cosplayed Simon Henriksson for a local convention! I went to my first rave with my friends and it was great, but we didn't stay very long because my friend was in a fursuit head and was getting hot and some guy was weird to them >_< Anyway idk what else to put here I'll write more tomorrow... hopefully.
10/16/23
I lacked for four days my bad. Absolutely nothing has happened over the four days though other than just mundane stuff but it's alright. On Saturday I helped my grandma with some yardwork. She has a porch outside with a bunch of plants, so I just trimmed them, watered them, did some paving outside of the screened-in area and then we washed the whole thing down. It was repetitive and monotonous but it was okay, I like helping my grandma and it's not like I had anything better to do lol. It's my grandma on my mom's side. A lot happened with my dad's side grandma and I haven't heard from her in a while but you know whatever. On Sunday my dad took me driving and it was really scary. My dad was in the army, he was stationed in South Korea for the majority of it and always tells me stories. But because of that he has access to the military base near where we live and he took me out there because it's generally a lot less busy than normal roads and it has a lot of open parking lots where we can just do doughnuts. My dad got really mad at me and it was really stressful but overall i'm glad I did it because I'll have to learn sometime XD Tomorrow is my mom's birthday! I'm not sure what we're doing but I'm excited to celebrate it with her. I'll try to remember to do more frequent blogs, sorry XDDDD
10/12/23
I didn't really do anything today. I did some homework and researched how to do stuff for the website you're looking at now! Not much has changed but I'm trying to learn as best as I can. I made some rash decisions last night. But decisions I'm pretty sure are for the better. I feel like BoJack Horseman, which is never a sentence that should be said. XD but I always think about that scene where he goes up to Diane and begs her to tell him that he's a good person, and she can't do it. I need to finish BJHM soon. I love characters like BoJack who are kind of anti-protagonists. Like, in most medias the protag has all of this plot armor and doesn't have any flaws or anything, and shows like BJHM take the time to highlight his flaws and make him feel like a real and rather tragic individual, not that that excuses anything he's done. Anyway I feel like I've hurt a lot of people from my rash decision making. I need to stop being so impulsive. But I guess what's done is done and I can't really do anything about it. I've hurt so many people and I'm going to start going to therapy again. I want to be good. I don't want to hurt anymore. I want people to like me. I know this is very different from my last blog lol. But I think today I was so in my head because I didn't have anything else to think about. I watched my dog I worked on my website and homework and I just stayed at home and I thought. This is why I'm so desperate for a job, keep my mind occupied and get out of this slump. I don't know what my next course of action is and I feel like I'll never know. Life is really scary and my life hasn't even properly begun yet. I've made so many people dislike me and all I can do is try to get better for people I love. Sometimes I wonder if I'm unfixable. And then I feel bad for feeling that because nothing really horrible has happened to me to make me that way. I don't know what to do other than apologize to people and just go away because that makes everything better. There's always better people than me apparently. That's very true. Sorry this was so yeah. If you're reading this blog, thank you and I hope you stop by again :D I promise not everything will be like this, lol.
10/11/23
this is my first blog on here. hi guys :D today i had an interview for a hostess at olive garden. i really hope i get it, the hiring manager will be there on friday so i might get reached out to then, i dont know. i really really hope, because i've been romanticizing it a lot lol even though its such a mundane job. i like it a lot especially since the guy interviewing me told me they have a program on their ipads that help with rotation which would make the job even easier lol. i'm mostly working for experience, money is nice but i still live with my parents, my mom has assured me i don't really need money but i'm so paranoid because i'm 18 and i've never held a job before. i know thats pretty normal, but i feel so guilty not working because i go to school 4 hours for two days and don't do anything else. and we don't make that much money so i wanna help yanno. anyway i've had a lot of things going on in my personal life, very confusing but i'm on call with someone that has been having a rough patch with me right now and it's nice to talk to him again. really nice
9/21/24
Wow, it's really been almost a year since I've blogged last, that's my bad. I'm still alive! I'm listening to the Symphony of Evangelion rendition of I, Shinji as I write this. Far superior to the original theme, imo. A lot has happened, I guess. Well, I'm 19, in my second year of community college. I got a job at Forever 21 but the store shut down in March. Been job hunting since, unsuccessful. My school schedule kind of blows too but I'm at school Mon-Thurs instead of just Monday and Wednesday. I have a stable-ish? group of friends and also a guy I hang out with one-on-one on occassion, both are cool! I broke up with my boyfriend finally and offically in late July. Usually I feel so much guilt cutting people out! But it's crazy, I've felt so much more free. It's like a ginourmous weight was lifted off my shoulders. I guess that's what happens when he attempts to morph me into being a cisgender woman for a little over a year and texts my best friend saying he's gonna wait around for me to change on my own, that my identity is solely because I've been on "the internet too much," and that he doesn't have much faith in me because "my brain isn't fully developed" and expects my best friend not to tell me! XD But I won't get into too much "woe is me" on my public blog anymore. Since then the dating pool has been stale. I had some guy ask me for my number and I was bored and desperate so I gave it to him, he led me to a secluded table at school, was the most boring person I've EVER talked to and made 3 perverted comments about my ass. XP I'm not usually very mean to people and I guess I commend his bravery but what happened to common interests and getting to know people?? Urrgh... Anyway, my borderline personality disorder has made me cling onto one person and I feel like such a creep because idk them that well... I guess that's what having a crush is all about but it honestly stresses me out more than anything. Idk how to tell them that I wanna get to know them better without it being really awkward... you know? And I can't get a read on how they feel about ME and it freaks me out. Again, idk them well and I doubt they even give me a second thought when I think about them alot... whenever we DO text theyre super sweet and thoughtful!!! Maybe I'll just play it out and see how it goes. When I was away I got super into the game Cry of Fear and cosplayed Simon Henriksson for a local convention! I went to my first rave with my friends and it was great, but we didn't stay very long because my friend was in a fursuit head and was getting hot and some guy was weird to them >_< Anyway idk what else to put here I'll write more tomorrow... hopefully.
I lacked for four days my bad. Absolutely nothing has happened over the four days though other than just mundane stuff but it's alright. On Saturday I helped my grandma with some yardwork. She has a porch outside with a bunch of plants, so I just trimmed them, watered them, did some paving outside of the screened-in area and then we washed the whole thing down. It was repetitive and monotonous but it was okay, I like helping my grandma and it's not like I had anything better to do lol. It's my grandma on my mom's side. A lot happened with my dad's side grandma and I haven't heard from her in a while but you know whatever. On Sunday my dad took me driving and it was really scary. My dad was in the army, he was stationed in South Korea for the majority of it and always tells me stories. But because of that he has access to the military base near where we live and he took me out there because it's generally a lot less busy than normal roads and it has a lot of open parking lots where we can just do doughnuts. My dad got really mad at me and it was really stressful but overall i'm glad I did it because I'll have to learn sometime XD Tomorrow is my mom's birthday! I'm not sure what we're doing but I'm excited to celebrate it with her. I'll try to remember to do more frequent blogs, sorry XDDDD
I didn't really do anything today. I did some homework and researched how to do stuff for the website you're looking at now! Not much has changed but I'm trying to learn as best as I can. I made some rash decisions last night. But decisions I'm pretty sure are for the better. I feel like BoJack Horseman, which is never a sentence that should be said. XD but I always think about that scene where he goes up to Diane and begs her to tell him that he's a good person, and she can't do it. I need to finish BJHM soon. I love characters like BoJack who are kind of anti-protagonists. Like, in most medias the protag has all of this plot armor and doesn't have any flaws or anything, and shows like BJHM take the time to highlight his flaws and make him feel like a real and rather tragic individual, not that that excuses anything he's done. Anyway I feel like I've hurt a lot of people from my rash decision making. I need to stop being so impulsive. But I guess what's done is done and I can't really do anything about it. I've hurt so many people and I'm going to start going to therapy again. I want to be good. I don't want to hurt anymore. I want people to like me. I know this is very different from my last blog lol. But I think today I was so in my head because I didn't have anything else to think about. I watched my dog I worked on my website and homework and I just stayed at home and I thought. This is why I'm so desperate for a job, keep my mind occupied and get out of this slump. I don't know what my next course of action is and I feel like I'll never know. Life is really scary and my life hasn't even properly begun yet. I've made so many people dislike me and all I can do is try to get better for people I love. Sometimes I wonder if I'm unfixable. And then I feel bad for feeling that because nothing really horrible has happened to me to make me that way. I don't know what to do other than apologize to people and just go away because that makes everything better. There's always better people than me apparently. That's very true. Sorry this was so yeah. If you're reading this blog, thank you and I hope you stop by again :D I promise not everything will be like this, lol.
this is my first blog on here. hi guys :D today i had an interview for a hostess at olive garden. i really hope i get it, the hiring manager will be there on friday so i might get reached out to then, i dont know. i really really hope, because i've been romanticizing it a lot lol even though its such a mundane job. i like it a lot especially since the guy interviewing me told me they have a program on their ipads that help with rotation which would make the job even easier lol. i'm mostly working for experience, money is nice but i still live with my parents, my mom has assured me i don't really need money but i'm so paranoid because i'm 18 and i've never held a job before. i know thats pretty normal, but i feel so guilty not working because i go to school 4 hours for two days and don't do anything else. and we don't make that much money so i wanna help yanno. anyway i've had a lot of things going on in my personal life, very confusing but i'm on call with someone that has been having a rough patch with me right now and it's nice to talk to him again. really nice
Wow, it's really been almost a year since I've blogged last, that's my bad. I'm still alive! I'm listening to the Symphony of Evangelion rendition of I, Shinji as I write this. Far superior to the original theme, imo. A lot has happened, I guess. Well, I'm 19, in my second year of community college. I got a job at Forever 21 but the store shut down in March. Been job hunting since, unsuccessful. My school schedule kind of blows too but I'm at school Mon-Thurs instead of just Monday and Wednesday. I have a stable-ish? group of friends and also a guy I hang out with one-on-one on occassion, both are cool! I broke up with my boyfriend finally and offically in late July. Usually I feel so much guilt cutting people out! But it's crazy, I've felt so much more free. It's like a ginourmous weight was lifted off my shoulders. I guess that's what happens when he attempts to morph me into being a cisgender woman for a little over a year and texts my best friend saying he's gonna wait around for me to change on my own, that my identity is solely because I've been on "the internet too much," and that he doesn't have much faith in me because "my brain isn't fully developed" and expects my best friend not to tell me! XD But I won't get into too much "woe is me" on my public blog anymore. Since then the dating pool has been stale. I had some guy ask me for my number and I was bored and desperate so I gave it to him, he led me to a secluded table at school, was the most boring person I've EVER talked to and made 3 perverted comments about my ass. XP I'm not usually very mean to people and I guess I commend his bravery but what happened to common interests and getting to know people?? Urrgh... Anyway, my borderline personality disorder has made me cling onto one person and I feel like such a creep because idk them that well... I guess that's what having a crush is all about but it honestly stresses me out more than anything. Idk how to tell them that I wanna get to know them better without it being really awkward... you know? And I can't get a read on how they feel about ME and it freaks me out. Again, idk them well and I doubt they even give me a second thought when I think about them alot... whenever we DO text theyre super sweet and thoughtful!!! Maybe I'll just play it out and see how it goes. When I was away I got super into the game Cry of Fear and cosplayed Simon Henriksson for a local convention! I went to my first rave with my friends and it was great, but we didn't stay very long because my friend was in a fursuit head and was getting hot and some guy was weird to them >_< Anyway idk what else to put here I'll write more tomorrow... hopefully.
10/12/23
10/11/23
9/21/24